I love Indian English. It may not be the best way to speak English, but I still love it. Sometimes, I purposely use funny Indian English phrases just because I like them. And as for accent, who cares for it? I guess my English sounds like my mother tongue Konkani, but I don’t care. It’s just the way I speak English.
Here is some funny English for you. Rest assured that I haven’t made it up. It’s for real.
A: Where is Agnes?
B: She has gone to pull water.
Poor Agnes had gone to the well to draw some water.
Wife: What’s this?
Husband: Who are you to ask? Mind your own business!
Wife: You brought beedies again? How many times should I tell you that pulling beedies is bad?
She is just a good Mangalorean wife who wants her husband to quit smoking beedies.
Rickshaw Driver: Imtiaz, don’t put your head out!
Little Imtiaz (excited): See there! See there! Cat died! Chutney happened!
Of course, little Imtiaz was reacting to the sight of a cat that was crushed under the wheels of a truck just a few minutes back.
He: Hey you!
He: Yes, you only!
Me: Be polite. Why are you screaming your head off?
He: I am like that only!
Yes, we Kudlites are like that only. It’s our nature and nothing you do can change it.
She watched her five-year-old daughter blowing into a cup of hot coffee for some time. She said sharply, “Why are you doing susu in the cup? Can’t you just drink it?”
Ah well, that was a terrible thing to say. The poor child was just blowing into the cup to cool the hot beverage. She was definitely not doing susu in the cup. “Doing susu” means “urinating.”
Bored Kid: Hey, what is the teacher saying?
Another Bored Kid: Her head!
The bored kid was just saying that the teacher’s words make no sense to him.
Here is another bored kid complaining: “What and all this teacher is teaching! Why all this?”
The kid is just saying that the teacher is talking nonsense. She is absolutely sure that she can manage fine without the lessons.
You: What is this?
Me: Shut up and eat it.
You: I don’t like this. I don’t want this. I did not want this. I want to eat something else.
Me: Just shut up and eat it. Stop eating my head.
I love that phrase “eating my head.” I have used it several times. I am sure I have used it somewhere in this blog. When you eat someone’s head, you are just annoying him/her with your behavior.
And here is the best of them all.
Friend A: Hey, does anybody know how to make paneer?
Friend B: Why?
Friend A: My milk got spoilt. It burst.
One wonders where she got that milk from. As for milk “bursting,” it is something that can happen in Mangalore. If the milk curdles when you are boiling it and you are a Konkani speaker, you just say “doodh phutlem.” Now how do you convey that idea in English? The easiest way is to say that the “milk burst.”
Don’t you think that Indian English is fun?